Your table setting might seem more complicated than it actually is. You sit down and see a napkin, a row of utensils, perhaps two or three glasses, and a plate laid out in a specific way, like it’s about to quiz you. An easier approach to reading the table is simply to think about each item as part of the meal. Nothing needs to be done in a rush. A couple small clues can help you get started without feeling conspicuous.
First off is the napkin. After you get seated and the meal gets underway, put it on your lap with a relaxed, quiet movement. No need to flick it open or present it. If you step away from the table, the napkin should be placed loosely on the back of the chair, or wherever the host’s manner indicates the napkin to be placed if the dinner party takes place at a formal venue. Once the meal is concluded, you would then neatly position it by the plate, neither folded perfectly nor dropped on top of it. It’s all about neatness, and simplicity.
Silverware is much easier with the rule of “outside in.” The tools furthest from your plate are going to be used first, and you move toward your plate as the meal progresses. For example, a fork on the far left might be your salad fork if you are to have salad before the entrée. A spoon above your plate might indicate dessert is included. You don’t need to identify every piece right away. Just wait until something is placed down, notice how the other people in the meal are doing, and choose the one for the course at hand.
Glasses can be confusing, sometimes. A good rule of thumb is to put them in your upper right hand, except your bread plate, which would be in your upper left. This helps you to remember the placement, so as not to be accidentally picking up someone else’s glass or plate. If there are more than one glasses, don’t rearrange them. Use the glass you’re supposed to drink, and don’t move the others, unless someone (the waiter, or the host) tells you to.
Before you get to a meal, you can practice with a place-setting plan or your dining room at home. Put a plate in front of you, a fork to the left of it, knife and spoon to the right, a napkin either on or to the side of it, and a glass above the knife. Sit down and then go through the first few steps slowly: napkin to lap, posture, water glass, then the silverware that’s furthest away from the plate. This quick practice can make the situation less daunting for you because your hands already know what to do.
The timing can also be just as important as using the correct pieces of silverware. Try not to start before the host, or at least everyone else, has something on their plate, unless the environment is clearly casual enough for that. Keep your seat back, your elbows in, bring food up to your mouth and not vice versa, and don’t clatter your silverware on the plate when you pause. If you accidentally choose the wrong fork, or sip out of the wrong glass, no problem, fix it quietly and move on. It becomes a bigger deal when you make a scene about it.
When the meal is over, you can do things quietly to tidy things up. Your napkin sits on the left of the plate, your utensils rest on the plate without noise, your glass stays where it is at the right, and you can now focus more on your conversation partners. Good etiquette is not about showing off how well you know the etiquette. It is about making it easier for everyone, including yourself, to have a good meal.